Blonde, Tall, and Skinny

Yesterday we finally met some people. We were sitting outside wondering how on earth a day that started off nice and cool has suddenly turned into the seventh boiling ring of hell. As we pondered the weather issue –ponder is a bit too grand of a word. I doubt my brain is able to ponder anything at that temperature, but I’m using it because it sounds nice- two boys came by on their bicycles. They were around 14 or 15 years old, and I never got their names. I’m not even sure they introduced themselves, so I’ll just call them Blonde and Tall, because that’s what they looked like.

Blonde is clearly the leader. He is shorter than Tall, but very chatty. Very, very, chatty. He also seems blissfully unaware of the fact that Tina and I can’t make out anything that he’s saying, and Klaus barely picks up a couple of words floating in the verbal waterfall pouring out of his mouth.

Meanwhile, Tall stands back and looks at the scene and smiles. He can see how absurd it is that we are completely lost, and yet his mate carries on talking at the speed of light without as much as a hand gesture to clue us in. As Blonde starts talking, Tina jumps up and offers them cake. They are rather shy at her gesture, but grateful. The cake does nothing to slow Blonde down, though. It’s amazing how he managed to down the cake, and never stop talking with out once speaking with food in his mouth. Luckilly, as soon as the cake is eaten, the boys run off, not without taking a few long glances at the moped that sits glistening pink under the sun between the bus and the caravan.

Later on that same day, the weather shifted again, and there was a short storm. It was a very welcome shower, as neither Tina nor I are dealing very well with the heat. Once it started to clear up, and encouraged by the appearance of the boys, Tina and Klaus decided to head into the village and try their luck at finding more chatty locals. Also they were going to check out if the local store had any flour and milk, as we are running low. No flour means no cake or bread, and no milk means no nice, frothy coffee, and both of those things plus the heat result in very cranky versions of Klaus and I. I have a feeling Tina can cope better with the lack of cake.

Their quest was unsuccessful. They did hear people laughing, but from some inaccessible back yard. They found the local watering hole, which consisted of 3 older, already drunk men drinking outside the off licence, and the shop was closed. They came back to more bad news, as the gallery had developed another leak on the roof, but at least tea was ready. We wiped dry a couple of chairs and sat outside to eat. The weather was warm again. As we were finishing, the boys appeared from behind the caravan, although this time, they were joined by a third one, Skinny, and they came bearing gifts.

After exchanging Dober Dans -Tina is already fetching the cake-, Blonde opens up his backpack and pulls out a Coke bottle filled with plum schnapps, a massive 2 litre bottle of milk -oh yes, nice real cow’s milk!- and quite a large chunk of pancetta. I have a feeling all these are homemade goodies. Tina guesses that they went home, told their mums about the cake and they made them come over with gifts. Whatever the case was, the gifts were met with a second helping of cake, and we were again showered by Blonde’s monologue. Initially, Skinny helps out with a couple of English words –I have a feeling he understands more than he lets on-, but after a while it becomes evident that he’s here more to see his mate’s performance than to help us out with his language skills. Same as Tall, he stands back, and they both stare and giggle at the scene in front of them.

I have no clue as to what in the world Blonde is talking about. Tina just stares at him in awe, and then back at me, as if to make sure that this is really happening. Klaus takes on the challenge. This is good, because for some reason, Blonde seems more interested in talking to him than us. Eventually we learn that someone in Blonde’s family, or his neighbourhood, or school… anyways, one Blonde’s acquaintances saw Klaus struggling uphill with the moped when it broke down yesterday. It seems that this foreigner guy walking a bublegum pink moped uphill in a paragliding helmet and coat under the scorching sun made an impression on the locals. Blonde’s acquaintance took a photo, and Blonde wanted to come and see the wonderful, breed between bicycle and motorbike in person.

Klaus sees how exited the boy is and lets him go for a ride. The poor pink moped doesn’t even know what hit it. One minute it is calmly resting by the caravan, the next it is being pushed to its maximum speed (of 40 km/h) by a speed-crazed teenager. Blonde goes all the way to the road and comes back. Poor ping moped is put back to rest, and we sit down. The boys remain standing. They know the good part is coming. All of a sudden, Blonde develops the skill of hand-gesturing, and from here on, I know precisely what is happening. He wants to buy the moped.

He offers Klaus 300 Kuna. Klaus says no, of course. Blonde, speaking like lightning and aided by skinny, says that he’ll give it a better life. He’ll fix it properly –apparently he thinks that traveling artists’ mechanical skills end at fixing breakdowns with stale chewing gum- and give it a dignified coat of paint, brown. None of this bubblegum pink nonsense for such a cool, vintage vehicle. He clearly is missing the plot here, and we all almost faint at the thought of painting the poor moped. Klaus says definitely no, that it’s Tina’s moped, and she should decide. Blonde looks at Tina and tries to find a way to sweeten the deal. How about 300 Kuna and some diesel for the bus?

No.

How about the 300 and diesel and his bike?

No.

–Oh, come on! You guys have a bus! You don’t need a moped!-

-Well, you don’t either, you have a bike.-

-This thing?- He says pointing to his pretty decent bike –This thing doesn’t even have an engine! I need something with an engine!- Bless him, he just wants to be the cool kid in town (not that there’s that much of a competition). We explain to him that the speed of the moped is directly comparable to that of the bike (especially going down), so he would be better off sticking to the bike. Blonde is not having it. He pulls out his phone and lays it next to Tina’s. 300 and an upgrade?

No!

He picks up the phone and shows us a photo of him riding a cow (probably the source of the milk). He says –The moped for my cow! You can even ride it, see?-

I have been laughing quite a lot thus far, but after that my eyes start to water. I can’t help myself –A goat! A goat! Ask him for a goat!- We can make delicious cheese, and the carbon impact is a lot smaller that that of the cow. Apparently goat farts are far less noxious than cow farts. Sorry, back to the subject…

So, after my interjection, Tina gets creative -A sheep! The 300 plus a sheep!-

-The 300 plus a sheep! For that rickety pink moped! No, no no. That’s too much, besides I don’t even have a sheep.

Somehow the conversation splits. He carries on bartering with Tina, but he also starts talking to Klaus about tractors –what else! I just sit back and laugh. There is Blonde, carrying two parallel conversations with two different people who don’t really understand him. Behind him, Tall and Skinny just sit on their bikes and laugh at Blonde’s failed trading attempts. Easily enough, both conversations get mixed up, and after seeing a photo of Blonde riding a tractor, Tina yells –A tractor! The moped for a tractor!- Blonde grows a little pale. He’s so close! If only he could barter off his dad’s tractor, all would be perfect! Who needs a tractor in the countryside anyways? –No, I can’t do that, the tractor is worth so much more than the moped- He says. Tina’s answer is simple –If you get me a tractor, we have a deal.- She is already picturing snail races between the bus and the tractor. I personally think it’s a close call. The tractor would certainly win uphill, but downhill the bus can pick up a lot of speed.

While the three of us are discussing the odds of the bus-versus-tractor race, Blonde starts to become more resolute. His eyes glisten a little. All of a sudden Tall and Skinny sense the danger and hold him back before he agrees to trade off his dad’s tractor. In a masterful act of manipulation, they start discussing tractor brands to distract Blonde. All of a sudden, it feels like I’m watching the Croatian version of Candice Breitz’s From Aiwa to Zen (again, Google). Tina and I get bored and start clearing up. What I have described on three pages has already gone on for over an hour and Blonde is quite a relentless character, so we try to sneak away. As we are putting things away we hear Tall and Skinny pulling Blonde away. Then we hear Klaus saying –No deal, no moped, no deal!- Just in case some form of agreement might have been lost in translation.

That was a rather exhausting eve, but we are still laughing at it. As we sat out melting in the sun this afternoon, Blonde and Tall popped in again. Another 2 litre bottle of milk comes out of the rucksack. Ok, now it looks like we’ll be making our own cheese as well. Klaus is ill in bed, so without out interpreter Tina and I are pretty much in the dark. I give them cake, and spend the next 10 minutes trying to figure out that they are offering us water in case we need it. In the figuring out process, I even gave them water. Poor Blonde realised he was going to get nowhere with me. He tried to facebook me, but I think my account is rather private, so he didn’t find it. Another disappointment. Finally, he moved on to the moped. A-Ha! He came to see whether Tina had seen the light and decided to sell it on, and let it have a more dignified life. Poor boy, he’ll never get it. He gets yet another refusal, and sadly the boys leave amidst their disappointment. It’s ok, there will be other chances for Blonde. Maybe next year Tina and Klaus will meet him again, and he’ll be driving a bubble-gum-pink tractor.